All Things In Moderation

…….. and moderation in all things .

Insomnia = Much Needed Soul Searching

Posted by Susan on January 26, 2010

I didn’t sleep at all last night …….. not big surprise, it was Sunday night after all ! After laying there for a few hours and not feeling drowsy, I couldn’t stand it anymore and got up. I never ended up returning to bed at all !

During that time awake I had lot’s of time to think, to do some much needed soul searching. It was time to come clean with myself about a few things that I have been in denial about lately. Here are the hard realities I needed to admit to myself.

  1. My size 6 jeans are becoming snug, to the point of being uncomfortable.
  2. I have been picking A LOT these days. A bite of something here, a handful of something there, a cookie, some chocolate , some chips , you get the idea. The little bites and handfuls add up fast , as we all know.
  3. I am snacking before bed.
  4. I am not careful with my portions sizes.
  5. I am falling into the old pattern of searching for the perfect workout, and the perfect eating plan to get me back on track.
  6. I am using maintenance as an excuse to be lax in both my diet and my exercise.

I feel like I am entering the danger zone right now. In my head I am telling myself that I am just dealing with the backlash from the holidays. I will get it all back under control eventually. In my heart I remember telling myself the same thing until the day I woke up and found myself 210 lbs. ! The holidays opened a door I thought I’d closed a long time ago. They unearthed every bad food habit I ever had!

All these realizations prompted me to run downstairs and pull out all of my old food/exercise journals from last year. [yes, I am a dork! I saved them all !] Reading through them refreshed my memory. Right there in these books were the key to what works for me. It was simple and straight forward. Reading through them also reminded me of all of the things I’ve let fall by the wayside or changed along the way:

  • I ate well, but carefully. I weighed and measured EVERYTHING ! I also had dessert every night!
  • I worked out 6x a week , and on the days I didn’t workout I kept myself active with either hiking or biking.
  • I stuck with circuit training and intervals because I loved it! I was never bored . I also limited my SS cardio.
  • I ate snacks between meals to keep myself from getting hungry.
  • I repeated meals often [I never minded that]
  • I did 24 hour fasts 1-2 days a week.

In most aspects of my life my motto is always If it ain’t broke don’t fix it ! I feel this way about beauty products, cleaning products, all sorts of things. What I don’t understand it why I never adopted this motto into my maintenance mentality?

If all of those things obviously worked for me [I went from a size 16 to a size 6 for goodness sake!] why did I change them? Why was I trying to fix something that was not broken?

I realize that , before this little problem [snug jeans] snowballs out of control [and we all know how easily that happens!] I need to wake up from this dream world I’ve been living in and get back to what works for me !

When 3AM rolled around, I figured I may as well start right then and there! I put on my workout clothes and went down to the basement and got to work. I pulled out my old Turbulence Training routines and found the one I did January of 2009. The first one I ever did.

I feel sort of embarrassed having made all this noise about the commitment I was making to P90X . Obviously , for now I won’t be doing it. [ so sorry Syl :(] The main reason that I wanted  to do the program in the first place was because I read in a magazine that Pink did it …….. News flash : I am not a 20 something pop star, and I will never look like her P90X , or not!

I also mapped out my food for the day today, and added healthy snacks [like I used to] to get me through the day and hopefully stop me from picking at junk!

Even though at this very moment, I feel like I got run over by a truck I am so tired, I feel like I worked through some important things during my bout of insomnia. I was finally honest myself. I guess the real lesson I’ve learned through this experience is that I will always be on a diet! I will always have to watch portions, I can never mindlessly pick on junk food and being on maintenance means nothing really. Yes, I can indulge on a special meal now and then, but I still need to keep it in perspective. Most importantly I’ve learned, that I still have a LOT to learn about MAINTENANCE !

OK, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest , lets move on to today’s food:

This morning I ate breakfast at home. I had my breakfast cookie and a cup of green tea. I stopped eating breakfast at home because I didn’t want to snack in between. Today I ate at home and packed a mid- morning snack , needed when I eat breakfast as early as I do !

At 10:00 I ate a snack. A Kashi Raspberry Chocolate Bar , and a clementine.

For lunch today I had a Blueberry Chobani Yogurt with 1 T. of vanilla protein powder and 1/2 c. Go Lean Crunch. I love Blueberry flavored Chobani !

I am exhausted tonight, so I dug into some leftovers. A chicken breast, 1 c. of couscous, and 1/2 c. Brussels sprouts. Along with that I had a salad….. with spinach, 1 oz. of feta cheese, and 1 T. of dried cranberries. I used a small plate tonight so it looks  [deceivingly] like a ton of food 🙂 !

When I got home from work I made these Protein bars. I got the recipe from Tina over at Carrots n Cake. I’ve been dying to find an easy recipe for these things, and today I found some that were quick , easy and delicious! I wasn’t planning this for dessert, but I had to sample them! EXCELLENT ! I will probably eat them for snacks.

So that’s it! I am going to bed now. I know I will sleep tonight. Right now I am running out of gas. I hope this post is making sense!



8 Responses to “Insomnia = Much Needed Soul Searching”

  1. syl said

    Susan, no need to apologize, you need to do what’s right for YOU and clearly you have fiqured out what that is.

    You inspire me every day!
    love ya!

  2. Sall said


    I’m so imprressed that you’ve stopped a destructive pattern and identified what you need to do to get yourself out of it. I#m proud of you – still loving your blog. Keep going.


  3. Molly said

    I had a bad case of insomnia the other night too. I just fretted about getting enough sleep.

    I know what you mean about jeans getting snug: you can either fight it or accept it. I’ve gone up a size. In the olden days, I would have hated myself and worn out calculators counting calories. The obsession got bad enough at one point I went to a couple OA meetings. Now, I’m more accepting and I buy bigger jeans. I’m still well within the healthy BMI limit. I’m a thirty something woman closer to forty than thirty. How much am I going to knock myself out to look like Tila Tequila?

  4. Melissa said

    I hope you get some better sleep soon!!

    Good for you for going back and finding out the root of the problem and what works for you. 🙂

  5. Beth Lamb said

    I just love everything you have to say. Today your thoughts are giving me much needed perspective about life at goal. Strangely, your difficulties give me hope. I view you as ultimately successful because you got “there”, even if you are fighting to stay there. That helps me believe that even though I am struggling on the way to “there”, I can still get there. The journey doesn’t have to be uneventful (probably never is) in order to be successful.

  6. Tiffany said

    LOVE this post. The good thing is that it didn’t take a huge gain for you to come to this realization. You can nip it in the bud before it gets any further.

    You’ve given me lots to think about. 🙂

  7. Heidi said

    You’ve taken a lot of words right out of my brain in this post. I am slowly realizing that I’m not seeing change because I’m too complacent. Allowing myself to miss workouts for really no good reason. Allowing myself to eat a little of this or a little of that because my weight is pretty decent and hey, I burn alot of calories. But if I’m wanting to lose more then this attitude just isn’t gonna cut it.

    Sounds like you’ve got a great plan and outlook here. Hope you get some sleep tonight. No doubt some of these thoughts were part of what was keeping you awake.

  8. Missy said

    I like that you stepped back, saw what you wanted and set a plan. Very smart! Good luck figuring out the maintenance thing…

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