All Things In Moderation

…….. and moderation in all things .

Archive for the ‘fear’ Category

First Day Back To Work……..

Posted by Susan on June 8, 2009

Today wasn’t too painful …… but painful enough ! I spend the work week clock watching. I get up, watch the clock while I am working out to make sure I don’t run late, watch the clock when I am getting ready so I have time to eat, watch the clock to make sure I get there on time. When I get home it begins again ! Watching the clock to make sure I get all the chores done, get my shower in, get my dinner, so I can get to bed before 8:00 pm !

Last week I didn’t watch the clock at all ! I had no real ime constraints, so I did what I had to do without any worries about the time ! Oh well, welcome back to reality Sue !!!

Today I needed to get in my extra calories , and it was hard to do at times because I was busier than usual doing all the backed up work I missed last week. One of my co-workers made a comment that I was “eating a lot today”. I should have just brushed it off, but it got me worried about possibly gaining back my weight ! I swear, I am still really paranoid about that possibility. I suppose that is normal, I was really heavy for a really long time ! The thought of ever going back to that place in my life is really scarey to me ! It makes me sweat just to think about it !

In my head I know that with the exercise I am fine , and I am truely not eating that many calories yet ! I’ve only upped them 200 , and that is still on the low side. But I am still insecure about it ! I was fine when I weighed myself this morning, hopefully tomorrows weigh in will help ease my mind.

I know I said this was easier than I thought , and it is in some ways. But my mind still messes with me ! The fear of slipping backward is always there. I am hoping in a few months I will get used to my new body, and I will have a good idea exactly what my limitations are. Until then I am going to keep my extra SS cardio day on Saturdays ( I skipped it last week) just as an insurence policy !

It amazes me how my mind works, how I stress over the dumbest things, and how I still can’t seem to believe that I am going to be able to hold on to this loss long term. Sometimes I just feel like I am hanging on for dear life waiting for it all to slip away. I’ve even had dreams that I wake up in my old body, and none of this ever really happened at all ! I think I am nuts sometimes !

Well, off to bed. Tomorrow is another day !

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Posted in fear, maintaining weight loss | 4 Comments »

Today was the day !

Posted by Susan on May 22, 2009

I know this is going to sound completely insane , but I agonized much of last night about this whole Casual Friday thing at work, all night last night ! I mean I tried on clothes , tried them on again , and tried them on yet AGAIN before going to sleep ! Crazy right? I’d pretty much decided that I was not ready for my “big reveal” at work quite yet and I would wait on it for now.

This morning while I was on the treadmill doing my interval training I said to myself……Oh what the heck ! Just do it ! What is the worst that can happen?????? Well, I’d already had the worst happen……8 years ago I wore jeans to work and was told by one of my co-workers I looked alot bigger in jeans than she thought I would ! Nothing could compare to that horror show !

So I got dressed in my jeans (goal jeans that is), and wore a simple t-shirt, ( we were having a Memorial Day picnic today) and sneakers and just got in the car and went ! Ok well, I was sweating on the way, stomach in knots, almost afraid to get out of the car , but I did it anyway !

I walked in and one of the night nurses on duty said to me……wow you are skinny ! That set the tone for the entire day ! People noticed and complimented, congratulated, and some even asked me what I did to lose the weight. When you wear big baggy srcubs everyday, no one can really tell what your body looks like under them. It felt good to be able to say I worked really hard for it ! Because I did !

In my head I know that I don’t need any validation for the hard work I’ve done , but I won’t lie ! It felt great to have it anyway ! It may have been silly to be so nervous about showing off all my hard work and effort , but sometimes I wonder if my eyes really see what is there. I was so afraid that I didn’t look like I thought I did and that I would look foolish !

It was a nice day for me. It helps keep me motivated , and I think I may have helped inspire some people along the way. Some of my co-workers expressed an interest in getting into working out , watching portion sizes, and counting calories. That would be pretty neat to be able to make a difference in someone’s life , I think !

So, needless to say ,I accomplished one of my (silly) goals of finally wearing jeans to work on casual Friday ! And I faced a fear . As stupid as it may sound, I was really scared this morning ! I am glad I didn’t give in to it and took a risk !

Posted in diet, fear, risk, skinny jeans, weight loss | 2 Comments »

Overwhelmed !

Posted by Susan on May 21, 2009

Tomorrow is casual Friday at work . My goal jeans fit me , so I was excited to finally wear jeans to work ! I stopped after work to look for a top of some sort to wear with my new jeans. I was completely overwhelmed !

I haven’t bought clothes in a comfortable size in over 8 years . The only things I bought back then were shoes, handbags, and a few tops to camouflage my fat butt, thighs and stomach. I was could not wait to buy something new without getting upset that nothing looked right !

I get to the store and look through the racks. There are a lot of things , tons of things………..but at the same time absolutely NOTHING! I have no idea what my style is , what I like, or what looks good on me. My ever-patient husband was no help. He tried but he is just as clueless as I am ! I didn’t find anything that I even liked ! I went home and decided to try some of the few tops that I saved from the big clean out I did a month ago.

I found that I don’t even have a bra that fits now ! I wear sport bras to work under my scrubs, and only wear a real bra when I am going out somewhere. I have’t done anything in months and haven’t had a need to wear one. They are all EMPTY ! I now need all new bras on top of a new wordrobe !

I am so disappointed ! I thought buying new clothes would be the fun part. I wasn’t expecting to feel stressed about it. My sister tried to convince me that it was the store , not me that was the problem. She may be right , but I still feel hopeless. I don’t know where to start with this new wordrobe thing ! Next time I shop I will take her with me. I still wear “fat goggles” as my husband calls it ! I still see the fat chick who looks like crap in everything she puts on. I didn’t even have the guts to try on the things I found that were so-so.

I did find a bra that fit alright (not perfect, but a bit better) and tried on a few of the tops I have that still fit. They looked ok, but nothing I was excited about. I guess I will see how I feel in the morning.

I think the bottom line is , that I am scared ! I fear wearing my real clothes and not hiding in the scubs. I am afraid that people will judge me. Isn’t that messed up? I worked my butt off to lose (up to todays date 29 lbs. in 2009) weight , and I am proud of it. I am so afraid that it isn’t enough. That I still look fat. I know I should step out of my comfort zone and do it, but I am not sure that I can !

I guess I need to sleep on it . Maybe in the light of a new day I will have gained the courage to just do it……………….and maybe not.

Posted in disappointment, fear, judgement, overwhelmed | 2 Comments »