All Things In Moderation

…….. and moderation in all things .

Archive for the ‘judgement’ Category

Overwhelmed !

Posted by Susan on May 21, 2009

Tomorrow is casual Friday at work . My goal jeans fit me , so I was excited to finally wear jeans to work ! I stopped after work to look for a top of some sort to wear with my new jeans. I was completely overwhelmed !

I haven’t bought clothes in a comfortable size in over 8 years . The only things I bought back then were shoes, handbags, and a few tops to camouflage my fat butt, thighs and stomach. I was could not wait to buy something new without getting upset that nothing looked right !

I get to the store and look through the racks. There are a lot of things , tons of things………..but at the same time absolutely NOTHING! I have no idea what my style is , what I like, or what looks good on me. My ever-patient husband was no help. He tried but he is just as clueless as I am ! I didn’t find anything that I even liked ! I went home and decided to try some of the few tops that I saved from the big clean out I did a month ago.

I found that I don’t even have a bra that fits now ! I wear sport bras to work under my scrubs, and only wear a real bra when I am going out somewhere. I have’t done anything in months and haven’t had a need to wear one. They are all EMPTY ! I now need all new bras on top of a new wordrobe !

I am so disappointed ! I thought buying new clothes would be the fun part. I wasn’t expecting to feel stressed about it. My sister tried to convince me that it was the store , not me that was the problem. She may be right , but I still feel hopeless. I don’t know where to start with this new wordrobe thing ! Next time I shop I will take her with me. I still wear “fat goggles” as my husband calls it ! I still see the fat chick who looks like crap in everything she puts on. I didn’t even have the guts to try on the things I found that were so-so.

I did find a bra that fit alright (not perfect, but a bit better) and tried on a few of the tops I have that still fit. They looked ok, but nothing I was excited about. I guess I will see how I feel in the morning.

I think the bottom line is , that I am scared ! I fear wearing my real clothes and not hiding in the scubs. I am afraid that people will judge me. Isn’t that messed up? I worked my butt off to lose (up to todays date 29 lbs. in 2009) weight , and I am proud of it. I am so afraid that it isn’t enough. That I still look fat. I know I should step out of my comfort zone and do it, but I am not sure that I can !

I guess I need to sleep on it . Maybe in the light of a new day I will have gained the courage to just do it……………….and maybe not.

Posted in disappointment, fear, judgement, overwhelmed | 2 Comments »